Suppose to Celebrate

I was so looking forward to celebrating with my honey today. His birthday is Monday and I just was not in the mood. Chemo was not my friend. I may have said one to many HAs to the doctors yesterday. LOL! The week of radiation has finally caught up with me. Breakfast was not staying down and then I had cooked a pot roast for lunch and I just couldn't stay up right very long to eat. Between meds and everything else I wasn't the party person today. I'm feeling better now after a three hour nap. Thank goodness for meds is all I can say and some basketball! And thank goodness his birthday is on Monday!

I'm in the search for the "little black dress". Have you ever looked for a little black dress to wear to that perfect BIG occasion. Well, let me tell you it is not that easy, especially if you are 5 foot and half of an inch. Ok, I might be all of 5 foot. I lied on my drivers license and said I'm 5 foot 1. I can't wear long, I can't wear mid length. The best is at the knee and most dresses that are at the knee have to be hemmed but if you've ever looked at most little black dresses they have some fancy, dancy hem that can't be altered. Thank goodness that I have a great tailor. Still I have been unable to find that perfect dress. Right now I have two hanging in my closest with a third, yes 3rd, on the way. Thank goodness for return policies! LOL! I hope to spread the word about why I need this dress in a few weeks. I don't want to spoil anything.

National Pay It Forward Day is April 29th. First of all I think Pay it Forward Day is something that should be done everyday. Take the time to do one good deed everyday. I don't care what it is, I try to make this happen. Pay the toll for the person behind you, return a shopping cart for the person in the car next to you, pay for the coffee for the guy in line behind you, pay for the person's dinner behind you in line, pick up your neighbor's paper and deliver it to their door for a week. Some one has a baby, deliver them meals for a week. I think of all the things that people do for me, I can't return those things put I sure can pay it forward by doing for others. I believe this world will be a better place because of it.

Every night I jot down five things I'm grateful for in a Gratitude Journal I keep. It helps me reflect on my day. It helps me end my day reflecting on the good things. What am I'm really grateful for. Some days it may be just that I'm grateful that I was able to make it thru the day. Tons of days I'm grateful for my job. Today, I'm grateful for my meds, a great support system, that Chance called, a beautiful TX day, the blooming flowers we saw. Most of all I'm grateful to still be alive to write. I didn't say that you had to keep it to 5!

Seriously! It's been a year!

Seriously, It's been a year! I'm sitting here pondering all that has gone on the past year. I reflect on the doctor's words last March 27th. "Talana, we've exhausted all the trials, medications, every avenue to keep you alive. You have a year at best." "Less more than likely.". WELL, guess what suckers! I'm still living, fighting, breathing, going on with my life. I told them I would. Oh, I prepared, that's me. But really, after about a month - yes I had a long pity party on this one. I got my stuff together and began the fight of my life. I was going to try everything there was to try and try it again.



Year update: the liver tumor and bad boy of the one! Damn him - just wants to take up residency and not pay rent. The least he could do. Not grown, not reduced remained the same. Chemo has kept him at bay. Love him, hate him but as the doctors say if he will remain the same I can live with it. It's the fact he throws his cancerous shit off that causes the problems. The cancerous tumor on my lung has reduced from the size between a ping pong ball and golf ball ( I like athletic terms - don't give me those medical sizes I tell them - I can't imagine those in my pea brain size head) has reduced to about the size of a shooter marble. The radiation is killing that sucker!!! The cancer is in my bones, right hip, right shoulder blade and right rib cage. I feel it and deal with it.



People ask all the time how I do it every week. Not easy but why complain. Seriously! Would you really? I'm still living! I wake up every day. I'm grateful for that breath in the morning. Sure, I'm tired and I get bitchy but don't we all from every day stress. So, I'm no different that anyone else. I've learned to appreciate life a little more and I've learned that Thank You and I appreciate you are kind words. I love life!



I love my family and my friends! Without the support of them, I could not do this every day. My company has been great about allowing me home on Fridays to do my chemo. But I make sure I'm back in the office by 8:00 -8:30 to get my job done. I want to make sure they don't think I'm taking anything from them because they have a sicky on staff. And I don't want my co-workers to think that upper management is giving me anything special because I have cancer.



This past year I became really involved in the 3 Day for a Cure with Susan G. Komen. I walked with Jason Contreras and the Sharla Schooleys Angels named after his sister Sharla. I had met Sharla a couple of years ago. The brightest person I'd ever met. Well, she received her pink Angel wings on March 10th of this year. I'm even more dedicated to walk these walks. So many asked why these walks, 60 miles over 3 days. It takes a toll on the body, mind, but never the spirit. I do it because I believe it doesn't matter that I don't have breast cancer I truely believe that if a cure for one cancer is found a cure for all cancers will be found.



I want to find a cure for cancer in my lifetime. This is my hope, this is my wish. I pray every day that this will happen.



Today as I celebrate my year of being alive and doing what doctors said I wouldn't be doing. I say HA! I say don't ever stop believing in yourself! Seriously! It's been a year!

Life is good!

I was finally able to get the entire family in one room for one day to sit down for a photograph. Not just any photo but a family photo. You see this could be the last time we have a photo of all of us. I wanted a picture with us that I'm still looking good. It means a lot to me that when the boys look back at a photo that they remember me smiling and looking somewhat healthy. I don't want them to remember sickly mom but the mom that had a smile on her face and a laugh. I want them to be able to look at the photo and go remember that day with fondness. I believe they will. Hunter was in rare form but we were able to get some good shots. My friend Laura came over and took them. I forgot she had a great camera and could do such things. I was amazed at how they came out and was so pleased.

Both the boys, Ashley and Hunter were here yesterday. It was nice. Hunter was a handful but so loving. I enjoy him with it is the two of us. We have the best conversations - well the best for a 19 month old. He loves to "tell" me all about it. And of course I love to listen. He is really good for me!

I've been trying to find the perfect "little black dress". I have a really fancy place to go and I MUST find it. I've only shopped over the internet and just can't seem to locate IT. I'm going to keep searching. IT HAS to be out there.

On the medical front. The tumor on my lung keeps reducing. It is down to about the size of a small marble. God has been so good to me on this one. The radiation seems to be working.

I signed up for the Komen walk for Dallas. I have to start training again. I'm looking forward to it. Makes me feel like I'm doing something to fight this damn cancer. I want to win the battle. I don't want to go out of this life knowing this isn't a cure.

Family photo 3-21-2010

What a week!

My children came to visit on Monday. More importantly Hunter came to visit. He's 19 months now and he's talking and walking and a little boy. And I love him so much. He has this pair of boots that he leaves here at the house and he comes in and he wants "boots". They are a pair of light blue rain boots with geckos on them. I purchased them before he was born, they are still too big for him but he loves them. I love him. I love the way his little arms go around my neck. I love the way he kisses me. I just love the fact that I'm his T-Lee. I really appreciated Ashley and Lariat taking the time out of their schedule to come up.

It's been a busy week. I had to fly to Nebraska and drive to Iowa to see a client with my manager. He's not my favorite person but it is my job and I love my job. It turned out to be a better trip than I anticipated. I prayed hard that God would help me with patience (which I don't have much of) and attitude (which I sometime have too much of). It was a fast and furious trip.

I'm in the middle of trying to find that perfect black party dress. One came in today and it did not fit. Now, I'm been trying to gain a few pounds and staying at the 100 pound mark but this size 4 was tight. I wear 0s and 2s in Ann Taylor Loft cloths so I was like what!!! Oh well, that's what I get for ordering on line. I just hate shopping any more.

The kids are suppose to come back up this weekend. We are taking Hunter to have some pictures made. I want a family photo made. It means a ton to me.

Sundays

Sundays are I really don't feel like getting out of bed days. Today, I'm really tired but I feel really sad. I had some wonderful news bestowed on me on Friday evening but I can't share it with the people I really want to. I have to wait until May to tell. In fact when the person was telling me I began to cry (good tears) and when I got off of the call I sobbed. I couldn't believe that just a month ago I had my manager tell me I wasn't a team player and now this was going to happen to me to me - tj garrett. I was shocked! I was able to tell my family and my two closest pals but this is news you want to shout to the world. Sharla's death this week really hit close to home. Young mother, cancer, you know the story. I was wondering what my family would be thinking at my service. I so want them to celebrate when it comes time. I want them to realize that I've lived a really great life, that I've had it all. Even if the bucket list isn't finished it doesn't mean my life hasn't been full. I've loved, I've laughed! The only thing I haven't done is find a cure for cancer - so when I do die, all I ask is that they do keep the funding for research going by either volunteering or walking! Let's find a cure!

Tears!

I've shed tears today! So many! I had chemo today and as I sat there allowing the poison that keeps me alive to drip into my veins all I could wonder about was how Jason and his family was managing today. How two little boys were going about their day without their mother. All I could think about was how could I make a difference for them. I decided that I'm just going to have to raise the money to find a cure. Sharla's glow and oh how she had a glow about her. I swear God was emitting His power all of her life and preparing her for this journey of hers because everyone I've spoken to that knew her from early on, said she was an Angel and I believe it. The first time I met her she had that glow about her. I believe Samuel and Dane are her little embers now. They will tell her story years from now and that will be her legacy. My prayer is that one day there will not be a need to have a walk to raise money for breast cancer. That a team called Sharla Schooley's Angels plays soccer and softball and all sorts of sports. I want a Sharla's team to be for fun and I want cancer to be irradiated.

I've been placed on rest since I have shingles again. I'm tired. The fatigue is bad and I pushed myself this week. Some good news - the tumor on my lung has shrunk some and my breathing after exerting myself seems better. The massive amounts of radiation last week nearly kicked my butt but so well worth it. I was able to get one in today and I'll get one in on Monday.

On a happy note - I had a pleasant phone call today. I can't share much of the news but let's just say that I may get to mark something off my bucket list in May. I'm a little excited and a little nervous. But God has a plan.

Whenever I hear the air rustle I'm going to look for pink feathers because for sure I know that Sharla's wings are near.