God carried me...

I made it thru this week. God carried me just when I needed Him. Monday morning I had an early appointment with Dr. Parker to remove the cancer off my jaw. He took that off and I had to wait for the lab report to come back and sure enough he had to remove more since the cancer had spread. He took a quarter size area and all the way to the bone on my jaw. Now according to my insurance, I have to wait at least 24 hours for him to sew it up for the insurance to pay. So they "pack" the area and put an "airtight" bandage on it and sent me home. I was home by 10:00 and was working away at my desk. On Tuesday I was back at Dr. Parker's office for him to take a cancerous place off my left upper shoulder, about the size of a quarter there too, and to repair my jaw. Thank goodness he only to to go into my back once. But same thing, they had to pack it and I had to go back on Wednesday for repair. On Tuesday though I had to take a sick day. The pain was bad from both the repair and the shoulder and I was so tired. I slept most of the day. Wednesday, I was able to go back to work. God just made sure that this was an easy week for me. Just when I felt like I couldn't make it thru, I would ask for some patience for the pain. The Dr. really did a good job on my face. It's about a 2 inch "zipper". Stitches come out on Monday. The place on my upper shoulder is about 2 and half inches long and he put in dissolvable stitches and covered it with steri strips so I don't have to change that bandage everyday like my face. He's the same doctor that did all the work on my face last year when I had the two places removed and people tell me all the time that you can't see it. So I'm hoping that you won't be able to see this after a few months. I won't be the most attractive for Christmas pictures but I'm alive and we are still catching this cancer before it grows. I wished they could cut into my lung and liver and bones and remove it all as easily. Radiation was put on hold this week since I had open wounds and the doctors didn't want the chance of any infections setting in. I start that back up on Monday.

I've got to finish shopping for Christmas. I mean seriously! I need a few elves to come to my home and get all this done. I just can't believe I haven't finished. Like I don't know that Christmas is always December 25th every year. Seriously! I've turned into one of those people! Now to get it done!

Santa, in case you are reading this blog. I can't say that I've been an extremely good girl this year but I've been as good as I can be. Seriously!

This time of Year....

This time of year, used to be my favorite time of the year. My boy's faces would light up with the prospect of seeing Santa and the look of Christmas lights and our house was alive with music and laughter and then the unthinkable happened we experienced the death of a child. Our 8 month old daughter Taylor died, that first Christmas, we couldn't even stand to stay home, so we loaded up a Uhaul with gifts and headed to New Mexico to spend it in a different environment so we didn't have to experience it at home. From that Christmas on it was never the same for me. Oh, I put on the "face" but it never was the same for me. My marriage starting falling apart, I was falling apart emotionally and I just never really found the joy of Christmas anymore. After the divorce, my ex and I shared the boys for Christmas and I usually found myself giving Eddy that day with the boys due to the fact I didn't really care if I was alone, I wanted to make sure that the boys had a good day and I knew his family always celebrated in a big way. I still find it hard to celebrate even after 21 years. I will admit that last year with a little Hunter man around that it was a little better and I'm hoping this year, it will be a little more. He's two now! Even though it will be bitter without Lariat with us, but I know he is getting the help he is needing.

Tomorrow I go in to have cancer removed off my face and then Tuesday they remove the cancer off my back. For the first time in a long time I'm nervous about a procedure. Normally I'm not but for some reason I am. Last October they had to remove two places off my face and Dr. Parker did a great job but I don't know I just have a "gut" feeling. So please pray for good results. It's going to be two early days as I'm doing it early, early so I can get back into the office and work a full day each day.

The Christmas tree is up and decorated and the house is ready to go. I had to get all of this done this past weekend so I could have it done and not worry about it this week. I must say the tree is beautiful and no saws were involved like last year. Thank goodness! Seriously, this time of the year is to be enjoyed! I need to remember why we celebrate Christmas. Maybe we all should!

Seriously! What else...

I'm usually the most positive person! Seriously! I am! I go thru more crap and have more crap heaped on me than I sometimes think I can personally take. And sometimes I get myself in the middle of stuff just because I'm also the most honest, I just tell people how I feel. I've always felt like why not just say what you feel. Don't lie to a person, tell them how you are feeling, state the facts, lay it out there and get it on the table and let's deal with it. Let me see if I can put all of what has transpired the past few weeks.

First of all Thanksgiving I spent alone. Didn't mind that at all since I felt like crap, had a ton of work to get done for the sales meeting and could do it all day long without a phone ringing and any interruptions. I spent the entire and I mean the entire day working, it felt good. I got almost everything I needed done for my sales meeting done and out of the way before the L man and I spent some time Friday doing some Christmas shopping and then Saturday spending some football down time.

Monday morning I headed out to the airport at 6:00 AM for a flight to CA for our company National Sales meeting. Now I have know idea why we need to get there at noon for our meeting to start the next day and I have to sit between 6 month old twins screaming but this was my Monday. My coworker and I spend hours running around getting stuff together for the meeting which I could have done here and shipped but I spent my afternoon doing there. Then on Tuesday the Marketing Team comes up with the idea that we are going to do the Amazing Race and for 7 hours we are running around doing this race and I'm talking physical biking, running, and taking a toll on my body. I was puking by the end of the evening. My team mates were wonderful, they were let's walk it and not run. I was tired, exhausted and could have cared less about this team effort. I'm not one to turn individuals you are trying to make into a team against one another but that is my thought only. I was so tired and sore that on Wednesday I had such a bad headache while we were in meetings and again on Thursday all day. Now, the problem came when the sales team try to "open the door and tear down the wall" between marketing and sales. When we tried tearing down this wall, one individual became very defensive and instead of trying to hear us, she just got all defensive. Now I knew this was going to be a bad idea to begin with since no one would really state what they want to say clearly, everyone was sugar coating the fact, when for months now it's been stated loud and clear. So, I just stated the fact that she wasn't hearing what we were saying and I got barked out by her. Seriously! I'm trying to move it on and get off the subject and she's giving me the "I wasn't born yesterday" speech. She even got upset when she won the "Suck Up" Award earlier in the day. This has been awarded to the new person every year. Seriously! Get over it! Did I get all upset when I had to run the Amazing Race when I didn't want to! Hell no! Should have I done the race! NO! Would my physicians have had a cow! Hell yes - one had three! Do a walk where I pace myself yes - but put myself thru shit like that - SERIOUSLY! What was I thinking! TEAM! Did I think twice before I did that - no! Did she think twice before she said something, no. Do I wish I would have thought twice before I said something, oh yeah! I wished I would have done what I promised myself when we first brought up this subject. Keep my mouth SHUT! Seriously, I came home from our sales meeting, Larry took one look at me, said what happened, I told him how our sales meeting ended and how she thought I was the bad guy. Even at dinner when I was trying to explain, she was telling me how she never expected something like that from me. Seriously!

On a sweeter note! After buying my own ticket home, since my company thought it was necessary to come home thru Phoenix and spend 60.00 on baggage fees each way to say 1.80 on airfare. I came home on American and was able to fly First Class, thank you God for Plat status. I was able to get home about 6 hours earlier, get chemo, radiation and spend some quiet time.

Hunter and Ashley arrived on Saturday and we spent some time together then Hunter spent the night with T-Lee. We watched some football and then we hit the sack. Then on Sunday we went to the pet store to buy some fish and then home to watch the Cowboys beat up on the Colts. I love beating some Manning. Sorry! We played trains most of the day and then he spent the night with me again. I love some Hunter. The sweetest thing, before he goes to sleep at night, he has to "hug" a picture that has his "ma" "da" and "uncle chance". Then he goes to sleep. On Monday I took him to see the Trains at Northpark at lunch before I met Ashley. He was so sweet. He's really good if you tell him his schedule, like today we will do this, this and this. Then he kisses me and we do our stuff. One night I was tired and I climbed into bed and he was finishing watching the movie UP, I could see him on the sofa in my office and every once in a while he would glance at me in the bed. He's adorable. I love our time together and it makes me realize that my time on this earth is pretty precious and that life has it's most precious moments and I'm going to grab them. Seriously!