Suppose to Celebrate

I was so looking forward to celebrating with my honey today. His birthday is Monday and I just was not in the mood. Chemo was not my friend. I may have said one to many HAs to the doctors yesterday. LOL! The week of radiation has finally caught up with me. Breakfast was not staying down and then I had cooked a pot roast for lunch and I just couldn't stay up right very long to eat. Between meds and everything else I wasn't the party person today. I'm feeling better now after a three hour nap. Thank goodness for meds is all I can say and some basketball! And thank goodness his birthday is on Monday!

I'm in the search for the "little black dress". Have you ever looked for a little black dress to wear to that perfect BIG occasion. Well, let me tell you it is not that easy, especially if you are 5 foot and half of an inch. Ok, I might be all of 5 foot. I lied on my drivers license and said I'm 5 foot 1. I can't wear long, I can't wear mid length. The best is at the knee and most dresses that are at the knee have to be hemmed but if you've ever looked at most little black dresses they have some fancy, dancy hem that can't be altered. Thank goodness that I have a great tailor. Still I have been unable to find that perfect dress. Right now I have two hanging in my closest with a third, yes 3rd, on the way. Thank goodness for return policies! LOL! I hope to spread the word about why I need this dress in a few weeks. I don't want to spoil anything.

National Pay It Forward Day is April 29th. First of all I think Pay it Forward Day is something that should be done everyday. Take the time to do one good deed everyday. I don't care what it is, I try to make this happen. Pay the toll for the person behind you, return a shopping cart for the person in the car next to you, pay for the coffee for the guy in line behind you, pay for the person's dinner behind you in line, pick up your neighbor's paper and deliver it to their door for a week. Some one has a baby, deliver them meals for a week. I think of all the things that people do for me, I can't return those things put I sure can pay it forward by doing for others. I believe this world will be a better place because of it.

Every night I jot down five things I'm grateful for in a Gratitude Journal I keep. It helps me reflect on my day. It helps me end my day reflecting on the good things. What am I'm really grateful for. Some days it may be just that I'm grateful that I was able to make it thru the day. Tons of days I'm grateful for my job. Today, I'm grateful for my meds, a great support system, that Chance called, a beautiful TX day, the blooming flowers we saw. Most of all I'm grateful to still be alive to write. I didn't say that you had to keep it to 5!

Seriously! It's been a year!

Seriously, It's been a year! I'm sitting here pondering all that has gone on the past year. I reflect on the doctor's words last March 27th. "Talana, we've exhausted all the trials, medications, every avenue to keep you alive. You have a year at best." "Less more than likely.". WELL, guess what suckers! I'm still living, fighting, breathing, going on with my life. I told them I would. Oh, I prepared, that's me. But really, after about a month - yes I had a long pity party on this one. I got my stuff together and began the fight of my life. I was going to try everything there was to try and try it again.



Year update: the liver tumor and bad boy of the one! Damn him - just wants to take up residency and not pay rent. The least he could do. Not grown, not reduced remained the same. Chemo has kept him at bay. Love him, hate him but as the doctors say if he will remain the same I can live with it. It's the fact he throws his cancerous shit off that causes the problems. The cancerous tumor on my lung has reduced from the size between a ping pong ball and golf ball ( I like athletic terms - don't give me those medical sizes I tell them - I can't imagine those in my pea brain size head) has reduced to about the size of a shooter marble. The radiation is killing that sucker!!! The cancer is in my bones, right hip, right shoulder blade and right rib cage. I feel it and deal with it.



People ask all the time how I do it every week. Not easy but why complain. Seriously! Would you really? I'm still living! I wake up every day. I'm grateful for that breath in the morning. Sure, I'm tired and I get bitchy but don't we all from every day stress. So, I'm no different that anyone else. I've learned to appreciate life a little more and I've learned that Thank You and I appreciate you are kind words. I love life!



I love my family and my friends! Without the support of them, I could not do this every day. My company has been great about allowing me home on Fridays to do my chemo. But I make sure I'm back in the office by 8:00 -8:30 to get my job done. I want to make sure they don't think I'm taking anything from them because they have a sicky on staff. And I don't want my co-workers to think that upper management is giving me anything special because I have cancer.



This past year I became really involved in the 3 Day for a Cure with Susan G. Komen. I walked with Jason Contreras and the Sharla Schooleys Angels named after his sister Sharla. I had met Sharla a couple of years ago. The brightest person I'd ever met. Well, she received her pink Angel wings on March 10th of this year. I'm even more dedicated to walk these walks. So many asked why these walks, 60 miles over 3 days. It takes a toll on the body, mind, but never the spirit. I do it because I believe it doesn't matter that I don't have breast cancer I truely believe that if a cure for one cancer is found a cure for all cancers will be found.



I want to find a cure for cancer in my lifetime. This is my hope, this is my wish. I pray every day that this will happen.



Today as I celebrate my year of being alive and doing what doctors said I wouldn't be doing. I say HA! I say don't ever stop believing in yourself! Seriously! It's been a year!

Life is good!

I was finally able to get the entire family in one room for one day to sit down for a photograph. Not just any photo but a family photo. You see this could be the last time we have a photo of all of us. I wanted a picture with us that I'm still looking good. It means a lot to me that when the boys look back at a photo that they remember me smiling and looking somewhat healthy. I don't want them to remember sickly mom but the mom that had a smile on her face and a laugh. I want them to be able to look at the photo and go remember that day with fondness. I believe they will. Hunter was in rare form but we were able to get some good shots. My friend Laura came over and took them. I forgot she had a great camera and could do such things. I was amazed at how they came out and was so pleased.

Both the boys, Ashley and Hunter were here yesterday. It was nice. Hunter was a handful but so loving. I enjoy him with it is the two of us. We have the best conversations - well the best for a 19 month old. He loves to "tell" me all about it. And of course I love to listen. He is really good for me!

I've been trying to find the perfect "little black dress". I have a really fancy place to go and I MUST find it. I've only shopped over the internet and just can't seem to locate IT. I'm going to keep searching. IT HAS to be out there.

On the medical front. The tumor on my lung keeps reducing. It is down to about the size of a small marble. God has been so good to me on this one. The radiation seems to be working.

I signed up for the Komen walk for Dallas. I have to start training again. I'm looking forward to it. Makes me feel like I'm doing something to fight this damn cancer. I want to win the battle. I don't want to go out of this life knowing this isn't a cure.

Family photo 3-21-2010

What a week!

My children came to visit on Monday. More importantly Hunter came to visit. He's 19 months now and he's talking and walking and a little boy. And I love him so much. He has this pair of boots that he leaves here at the house and he comes in and he wants "boots". They are a pair of light blue rain boots with geckos on them. I purchased them before he was born, they are still too big for him but he loves them. I love him. I love the way his little arms go around my neck. I love the way he kisses me. I just love the fact that I'm his T-Lee. I really appreciated Ashley and Lariat taking the time out of their schedule to come up.

It's been a busy week. I had to fly to Nebraska and drive to Iowa to see a client with my manager. He's not my favorite person but it is my job and I love my job. It turned out to be a better trip than I anticipated. I prayed hard that God would help me with patience (which I don't have much of) and attitude (which I sometime have too much of). It was a fast and furious trip.

I'm in the middle of trying to find that perfect black party dress. One came in today and it did not fit. Now, I'm been trying to gain a few pounds and staying at the 100 pound mark but this size 4 was tight. I wear 0s and 2s in Ann Taylor Loft cloths so I was like what!!! Oh well, that's what I get for ordering on line. I just hate shopping any more.

The kids are suppose to come back up this weekend. We are taking Hunter to have some pictures made. I want a family photo made. It means a ton to me.

Sundays

Sundays are I really don't feel like getting out of bed days. Today, I'm really tired but I feel really sad. I had some wonderful news bestowed on me on Friday evening but I can't share it with the people I really want to. I have to wait until May to tell. In fact when the person was telling me I began to cry (good tears) and when I got off of the call I sobbed. I couldn't believe that just a month ago I had my manager tell me I wasn't a team player and now this was going to happen to me to me - tj garrett. I was shocked! I was able to tell my family and my two closest pals but this is news you want to shout to the world. Sharla's death this week really hit close to home. Young mother, cancer, you know the story. I was wondering what my family would be thinking at my service. I so want them to celebrate when it comes time. I want them to realize that I've lived a really great life, that I've had it all. Even if the bucket list isn't finished it doesn't mean my life hasn't been full. I've loved, I've laughed! The only thing I haven't done is find a cure for cancer - so when I do die, all I ask is that they do keep the funding for research going by either volunteering or walking! Let's find a cure!

Tears!

I've shed tears today! So many! I had chemo today and as I sat there allowing the poison that keeps me alive to drip into my veins all I could wonder about was how Jason and his family was managing today. How two little boys were going about their day without their mother. All I could think about was how could I make a difference for them. I decided that I'm just going to have to raise the money to find a cure. Sharla's glow and oh how she had a glow about her. I swear God was emitting His power all of her life and preparing her for this journey of hers because everyone I've spoken to that knew her from early on, said she was an Angel and I believe it. The first time I met her she had that glow about her. I believe Samuel and Dane are her little embers now. They will tell her story years from now and that will be her legacy. My prayer is that one day there will not be a need to have a walk to raise money for breast cancer. That a team called Sharla Schooley's Angels plays soccer and softball and all sorts of sports. I want a Sharla's team to be for fun and I want cancer to be irradiated.

I've been placed on rest since I have shingles again. I'm tired. The fatigue is bad and I pushed myself this week. Some good news - the tumor on my lung has shrunk some and my breathing after exerting myself seems better. The massive amounts of radiation last week nearly kicked my butt but so well worth it. I was able to get one in today and I'll get one in on Monday.

On a happy note - I had a pleasant phone call today. I can't share much of the news but let's just say that I may get to mark something off my bucket list in May. I'm a little excited and a little nervous. But God has a plan.

Whenever I hear the air rustle I'm going to look for pink feathers because for sure I know that Sharla's wings are near.

God, I'm raw! Sharla, Jason's sister and the biggest reason I walked a 120 miles last fall died yesterday morning at 4:05AM. She went and received her pink angel wings. She also left behind a 3 year old, a 7 year old, a husband, a brother, a sister, a mother a father, and a host of friends and people who loved her more than anything. I can't even imagine the grief they are feeling. I lost my brother but it was quick. I was able to get thru the day but I was angry and pissed and upset. I'm still living and she had a lifetime with those boys. I've been able to see my boys grow to men. She didn't get that chance. Damn it! Is there a reason that God decided He needed that Angel first. Jason and Shelva and those boys and Wally are mourning. I feel so bad for them. I'm sad! I want to do something and I cannot. I have nothing to say or do for them, except to tell them I love them and want to be there for them.

I turned 48 on Sunday. I had another birthday when a few doctors said I wouldn't - so for those - a big HA to you. I had a tiring, but pleasant day with my girlfriends. My birthday buddy Laura Logan and her girlfriend Heidi and I rode up to OU to see Sharon's daughter Kelcie in a production of Steel Magnolias. OMG! One of my all time favorite movies! 2 weeks after Taylor died my good girlfriends at the time wanted to take my mind off Taylor's passing and took me over to see Steel Magnolias in Stephenville. Here the six of us sat in the movie theatre sobbing watching the movie. We had no idea the premises of the movie, but it was just what I needed. I went back to work after 5 days thinking that was enough mourning time. I thought you just got over the death of your very sick 8 month old. So this play/movie has always rated high on my list. So, yes I was up to a three hour drive on my birthday to go see it and with my friends even better. It was well worth it as Kelcie was terrific as Annell. Friends to me are so important.

I got on a plane Monday to New Orleans. I did a show today in New Orleans and then my friends and I drove over to Baton Rouge today to set up to do a show tomorrow. Again, I'm surrounded by friends. How can anyone go thru life with out them. I realize as my life grows to a close that they are so important.

Today Layla Grace, a two year old from Houston lost her life to cancer. This damn disease took another person from this earth. Another small child that hadn't had the chance to live her life. I'm so damn mad because she could have lived and God could have taken me. I've lived my life and this child still had a lifetime to experience but God took her and allowed me to stay on this earth a while longer. I don't understand. I suppose I'm not supposed too. I want to hold her parents and let them know that they will get thru it, that it will be okay, that it hurts like hell right now but it will at some point feel better. I can say that now 20 years later but they can survive. I lived thru it. I know.

a fews days of vacation

I've been on vacation the past few days and it has been like heaven. Just having time to do absolutely nothing and not having to account for my time has been joyous. Wednesday, I didn't even leave the house. I was suppose to have my 3rd radiation treatment of the week but I just couldn't do it. Because of my schedule there are weeks that I'm home that we do a 5 solid days of radiation. I dislike it worse than anything! Even though I know it is shrinking the lung tumor I just hate it. I slept in first of all which is so unlike me and I ask them to reschedule which I never do and then I called about two hours before my 3:00 appointment and just told them I was having a "bad cancer" day and couldn't make it. The scheduler who knows me sooo well knew and said she'd cover for me and she'd see me on Thursday. I even wore my "F*ck Cancer" shirt all day! Thursday I actually went to radiation, then went to a mani, pedi and an hour and half massage. A complete spoil tj because I so deserved it. Friday, my man showed up here bright and early with my birthday cake. I had already been to chemo and was back before he showed. I always ask for a white birthday cake, white icing with pink roses for my birthday from Ashton's Bakery a few days before my birthday to enjoy the days before. It is so good for breakfast lunch and dinner. I went and had "my hair" done. Spent way to much on some new birthday clothes that the honey said I could buy. I had dinner with my girlfriends Cathy and Kathy. Today the man and I just lounged in the bed all day. My favorite thing to do with him and I don't always feel the best. He brought me 2 dozen roses and the most beautiful cards. We shared pizza in bed and then dozed off and on. I'm gearing up for a fun day tomorrow with my birthday buddy Laura. We're driving up to OK City to meet a bunch of the other gals to see Kelcie in a production of Steel Magnolias at OU. Cant wait. Life is good!

Time Off

I need some time off. I've been feeling tired lately and I just need some tjer time. I love down time. I love just curling up on the sofa and watching tv or movies. I miss the Olympics. Those were some of the most awesome moments the past two weeks and I miss tuning in and watching at night. It is kind of a downer. So, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I would take the next three days off. My birthday is this coming Sunday and I thought I would take the time to reflect and rest. With mine and Taylor's birthdays so close together I always seem to get down and need the time to "ralley". I hope to get to the spa and revive. I plan on just watching movies and sleeping in. The days always fly by when I'm home. No matter what, they just zoom. I believe when you are down to your final year or years that those days are important to you to do what with as you please. I think that every man and woman should find times in their daily lives to stop and smell the roses, realize that you have moments you need to enjoy. I plan on enjoying several in the months to come.

When it Rains

It's raining here in Dallas and I don't know why when it rains and I'm home that I become all sentimental. I want to reach out to all those that I love and make sure that they know it. I want to bake and feed them and I want to cuddle them. The problem is they are all grown or gone. My boys are now men, 24 and 28. Today I was working from home, I didn't have to travel, I'm still recovering from the shingles and I still don't feel well. The L man didn't come by on his way to work and he's busy since he was gone all last week on vacation. I just want to LOVE today. I want to make sure my co workers know that I appreciate them, that I enjoy working with them. I just want people to know that I was here. I don't know, I just feel like I'm not going to be around much longer. It's days like today that I realize that I have cancer, a deadly disease that is killing me. I fight long and hard but dreary days like today make me realize the fight is almost over. That I can't go on forever. I'm tired. I want to win this battle but it is hard some days to continue the fight to go on. I get up every day and tell myself that today is going to be a good day but today, today is a rainy day, the tears fall easily. As I baked the Peach Cobbler (my Mom's recipe) the tears just fell, who will fix this for Lariat when he wants it. Chance doesn't like sweets. He'd rather have a roast with no veggies or a large pot of Spaghetti. I want my boys/men to know that they were the most important things to me when I'm gone. I want them to know that they were thought of a every single day with love and joy and that I couldn't wait to see them every chance I got. They were special to me! They were my life! So today as it rains, it rains, I allow the tears to fall. Tomorrow - I hope to see the rainbow and at it the end a new attitude!