Trust

Well, I'm back. It's been a hard week. I won't lie. Thursday I went in early for radiation on my lung tumor. My doctor was shocked to see me walk in, he was so sure I'd have to be wheeled in. He said "I would have bet a day's salary that you would have had to be hospitalized this week.". I told him I was out seeing customers yesterday. He said he should have know.

Friday, was chemo day. I don't know a Friday that isn't. I also put up a new saying in my office. It states "I'm not perfect...but close." I told Larry, if it weren't for the cancer, I would be! LOL! I also got to have lunch with my honey. My favorite. Love those times.

Saturday. My friend Nancy lost her friend Suzanne to cancer. She was mad and I don't blame her. It sucks. I sometimes have survivor's guilt over living when someone dies. Like, why me, why does God leave me here for another day, week, month. It's hard sometimes. I wonder if why God finds me worthy to be here and He takes someone younger, or with young children. I have a hard time understanding.
We went mattress shopping today too. Now this isn't the easiest doing when you don't feel the best but here's the thing, it must be done when you feel bad because that is when I'm in the bed the most. So, we went bed shopping. I was lounging on quite a few thinking what would the poor rep do if I just puked on the bed or the floor. I know most of you reading this are more than likely thinking OMG is she nuts. But this is my life and know I didn't. We did find a great bed at a great price. Sealy had a bed that they call "right side firm" that they were selling at a 75% price. I thought this would be great since it will give me options with my hip. I can have soft or firm whenever I need it. My hip has been so painful and when you are in bed most of the weekend curled into a ball sick, well a mattress is so important. We were calculating how old my mattress is. Now, I hate to admit this but when I bought my mattress 10 years ago, I was traveling quite a bit and then when I was home I was sleeping in a huge chair blue chair most of the time. Last year when I moved, we got rid of the chair. So, calculating we are thinking my mattress is actually only about 5 years old. Chance is going to take my bed, he is so excited, since he's been sleeping on a flip sofa.

Last night after I spoke to my friend Jane and we caught up on our week. I was telling her I thought her daughter Anna should name her next child Talana Jane and call her TJ. She laughed so hard I thought she would fall out of her chair. While I was lying in bed last night I was thinking that I needed to call a friend about doing my service when I die. I keep a list of all the things that I want done, it changes and I update frequently, I'm a woman after all.

Not long ago I had an issue with trust and the Lord. I had never had this issue before. I was shocked by this. You have to remember that when my daughter Taylor died in 1989 at 8months old after open heart surgery I didn't question, I knew she was in Heaven. I comforted by the thought that she was being rocked in the arms of Jesus. I knew that! The day of her surgery. It was nine and half hours long. She went in at noon that day. After about 6 hours they came out to tell us that things were now going well. I made a bargain with God that day. Don't judge, until you are a mother and you've been in that situation, please don't judge me. I bargain with God that day. I told him that if He needed Taylor so badly, that I would let her go, if He would allow my cousin Kevin, 25 with a wife and 1 year daughter, that had brain cancer and a friend of mine Gail, 36 with breast cancer and a husband and two young children, live. I'd give her up. Now Taylor's heart was bad, we knew this. The day before the surgery, when I went to visit NICU, I couldn't see her there. I began to cry and the nurse asked me why and I told her, I didn't see Taylor there. She told me not to be negative and I told her I wasn't. It was mother's intuition. I could just feel it. They kept coming out every 30 minutes telling us they could bring Taylor out on machines, they could take her back in 72 hours and try to get her heart started. I remembered the conversation with her surgeon. A young mother herself with a son, a few months younger than Taylor. I had asked her the night before, please do only what you would do for your own child, that would result in a full life. Now, Taylor died at 9:30 that night. I didn't ask God why, I accepted the fact. Kevin died in April of 1990 and Gail in December of 1990. I never asked God why then. I was grateful they had more time. When I was diagnosed with Cancer. I didn't ask God why, I was grateful it was me and not my loved ones. But in March when the less than a year came, I got mad but I didn't question. But then the pain came and I questioned why. I could handled a lot but the pain made me need drugs and I was worried and I needed trust in the Lord. I was questioning if He was listening, if He was punishing, if He needed me to listen to something. Was I not listening to Him? Was I not following a path? What was I not doing in His eyes. Finally I realized my definition of trust and the Lord's could be a little different. I know that He's there. He's LARGE and He hears me. Thru whispers and pain and tears and loneliness. I know He will be there for me. I TRUST, for he heard me this past week.